Flag points - Day 192

 Flag points - Day 192

 

http://desteni.org/  

 http://desteni.org/ 

  http://desteni.org/ 

 http://desteni.org/   

http://desteni.org/   

http://desteni.org/  

 http://desteni.org/ 

 http://desteni.org/ 

 http://desteni.org/  

Hi This is Tormod: I here want to flag point some points that I have defined myself according to for years. These words have  given me energies that I don’t know how to handle. These words are still not who i originally am. I am not these words. Still the words have shaped me, and they have made me into theperson that I am today. The words are related through media, government and the fucked up capitalism that surround us. So here are the flagg points: I hope  you like them.

-          cheers

1.      Knife

2.      Schizophrenia

Flag point 1: Knife

I have some automated fear related to the word knife. I have fear of cutting myself on the knife when making food.  Also have fears or horrors from the fact that there are 900 million people who don’t get food every day. I fear that there could be accident with me having a knife and, that I fear that there could be accident where I was hurting someone.  I would like to think of the knife as a cool tool that I can make dinner with, and prepare food with, but instead it is, a tool that I fear and that I want to keep distance from. So I fear the knife I am not fully trusting myself with a knife.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the word knife and my reaction of fear from the word and that I have fears that go way back in my childhood years from the word knife.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the backchats and the gossip that goes on in my mind, when I hear the word knife.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the energies that I experience when I hear the word knife, and that these energies are based on my memories, fantasies and ideas about the knife.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for my thoughts of horror that appear like glimpses of pictures in my mind, of horror sense from movies, that I experience, within my mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the movie back taste which is a low budget horror/splatter movie, and that  I experience this images from this movie appears in my mind, when I am working with a knife.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the movie sense that appear within my mind, that are since from movies that that are related to blood send blood, violence, splatting and bleeding and  further forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself glimpses of these movies when I am working with a knife.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the many times that I could have done a better job at the kitchen and done more cleaning up and I ignore the messages from my dad and I leave the chores to someone else, including cleaning the knife(s).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for fearing losing control of myself and cutting my arms with a knife.

I am not this word. Knife is not who I am.

A knife is a tool. The tool of knife can be used to make food, or to work with for instance carpeting. The tool of a knife is a very common tool with a house, and a home. I am not this word.


A knife is not who I am.

I am not the sound or the frequencies, of this word. I am not the energies from this word.

I am not this word at all.
This word is not who I am at all. I am not the beginning or the end of this word.

My relations to this word is not who I am. My memories of this word do not make me.

I am not the word knife.

Flag point 2: Schizophrenia

The word schizophrenia I associate the word with harassment, and ideas for harassment. I associate the word with violations, murders and abuse. I think of drugs, and I think of my relation to drugs. I think or romance    my relationship to hospitals, and of self-pity and of reason. I think or excuses to why I should use the name on myself again. I associate with myself, the children that are diagnosed and drugged every day from this mental illness. I think of suicide. I think of drugs.

I am not this word. Schizophrenia is not who I am.

There is nothing about this word that is making me to who I am.
I am not my relations to this word. This word and me does not co- exist. 

I am not the sound or the frequencies, of this word. I am not the energies from this word.

I am not this word at all. This word does not make me.
This word is not who I am at all. I am not the beginning or the end of this word.

My relations to this word is not who I am. My memories of this word do not make me.

I am not this here word.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for my memories of the word schizophrenia, and for specifically the memories of being at psychiatric hospital, in the city of Stavanger and being a patient there, in different posts in that hospital.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for my experience of the word schizophrenia, and that I see a person lying in belts and that he is twisting and turning in belts and that he is struggling   to become free.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that the person in belts is me, and that the person, that is struggling  to become free is myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that this person in belts is an image of me when I am experiencing anxiety or I am experiencing stress or psychosis.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that I pitty myself because I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, and that I need extra attention only because of that.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that I am special or indigo since I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia for years.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that I am extra smart or extra creative because I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the images that pop up in my head from when I was committed to hospital some 12 years ago until last year when I returned to desteni.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for my memories s from when I was, in hospital, many years ago, and for the images of this that pop up in my head today and that I feel I have to relate to these images.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the insodents where I turned violent and aggressive against the people that works are the hospital, and that I could break things that were in my immediate surroundings when I got really aggressive.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking of harassment when I think of the word schizophrenia,  and two episode pop up in my mind, where I am threatened by a right wing person, in the city and I was yelled at and threatened at for having this here diagnosis.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the backchats and the emotionally stress I feel when I think of right wings and people with diagnosis’s and forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the fear that pop up in me when I am confronted by a backchat or an emotion from the past or from the news, and that I create ideas of myself that there I pity for me since I have been diagnosed, with schizophrenia.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the act of murdering that comes up in my mind when I hear the word schizophrenia, and that I relate this word to Nazism and I also relate to the act that some media are using the word schizophrenia on persons that have been committed a murder and that media issuing this name deliberately to spread fear and to create miss trust with self.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the abuse that is related to many schizophrenia people that they use drugs and alcohol and that they don’t have work and that they, are reckoned as second class citizens.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for my association to drugs , both legal and illegal that I associate with the word schizophreia, and that It don’t  really make a difference on if it is legal or illegal.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself the romance I create with a desire of want to return to  hospital and that I create this romance   to myself as a security or insurance for myself if I should need to go back to the hospital.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for a episode where I treatened to kill myself by holding a knife up against my neck and I was screaming that I would kill myself, if I was not let into the hospital, and I remember that I was totally psychotic with aggression, and that I was totally fucked wit emotions, and desperate for a bed.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for my fantasies about all the drugs and all the drug names, that exist today.

I am not the word schizophrenia.

I see demons - Day 191

I see demons  - Day 191

Right now I am in Goteborg.  Sweden. I am staying in a hotel. I was just out to find some food, and I ended up buying 7 eleven food. Which is no good really. So I might end up throwing it in the garbage.  Anyway, as I was walking back to the hotel, I came to spot to people that was standing on the street and taking photos. There was one girl; she was 18 or maybe 19 years old. She was wearing black top and black pants. She was very skinny. She had brown hair.  There was a man taking photos of her. Asking her to post like this and like that. I imagined that they were making model photos or photos for porno. I also imagined that the photographer might have sex with her, and I believe I came to feel some envy. All of a sudden I was quite frightened by the whole situation; something like a shock went through me.  I realize that I was being reminded by my own abusive porno past. And that the memory that I felt, was from emotions, back then when I was watching porno. I passed the couple with two meter from them. And then. Boom! There was a flash picture that went through my mind. I saw a knife. A short knife with a black handle.  I saw this through my mind, as I passed the photographer. I know that me passing that man and seeing a knife as the mind energy. I saw my own energy as memory from my abusive past when I was abusing porno online.  I believe that the knife that I saw in my mind was representative to the situation. The course of the knife and the bade of the knife. The black handle represented the girl and that the blade represented me as my energy reaction. And I was experiencing myself and my relationship to skinny girls that was being taken photos from.  And that relation, dear reader is porno. Online porno.

I got quite scared. I went into the hotel and I went upstairs. My heart rate went up, and I begin to sweat. I know that I was back then possessed, by a demon. A mind – energy –demon. I know that demons, now days only operate in mind and only in mind. Still, I was possessed by that demon energy that I saw like a knife. And I imagined what could happen between the photographer, the girl and me if I was to talk to the photographer or to the girl. I was experiencing what could ever have happened if that mind energy could manifest in some way, witching me or anyone else. And I did self-forgiveness as I walked up the stairs to my hotel room.

That helped me clear my thoughts, and I decide to write about it. Here

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for my the moment when my memory popped up when I walked past the couple that was having a photo session, and I was possessed by shame and regretful emotions like energy that was relay a mind demon.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the specific memory of when I was watching the photo session and I would feel regret and shame later, and that this feeling of shame and regret came back to me, as I was passing the couple.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the feeling of shame and regret that entered my mind like energy and I was scared by my own memories that I felt I was not in control over.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the specific mind energy of a knife, that I felt was entering my mind, and that I was shocked by my own memory from when I was a porno abuse.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for my interpretation of the knifes-handle where one holds one hands, as the girl and the blade as me and my reaction, to the blank blade of the knife.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the so called envy that I felt towards the girl that was instead an abnormal reaction to my fear from facing my memory of when I was abusive with porno.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for trying to suppress my feelings and my emotions, and my thoughts, with distracting my attention and my awareness to my own body and my sexuality.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for letting myself believe that I was desiring  the  girl for her  body and for sex, and for posing/posture, when I was in reality deceiving myself  with fear from my own memories , of  my emotions when I was watching porno.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that I would watch porno I could get over the episode and just jerk of and it would be ok.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that if everyone was watching porno, then, it would be ok.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that I needed to masturbate to get the image of the girl out of my head.

Self-commitments:

When and as I see myself entering situation where I feel like I am not 100% honest and i feel like there is a chance I could deceive myself with ideas or fantasies. I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I am not 100% honest with myself I am dishonest with myself and that poisons the whole situation. I commit myself to try to be honest as much and as often I could.

When and as I see myself making assumption and creating thoughts or feeding myself with memories. I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I fool myself with what is not here in reality, I am living a lie. I commit myself to stay awaken and to try to be honest with myself as often as I can, and to stay focused on my breathe and breathe steady breaths.

SRA v 4 Lesson 4 Assignment 1 Me as a child. Developing means of abuse: shower peeking:

SRA v 4 Lesson 4

Assignment 1

Me as a child. Developing means of abuse: shower peeking:

I changed school. In 1992. I was 13 years old. I was at this time a thief, a burglar, a harasser, and a cigarette smoker. The school I went, to be divided, from 6^th grade, and then later 7th grade, I changed school. I stared, on what we call for youth school. In Norway.

Let’s go back and look at some facts that happened, to me in my life, to what it is now. And that made my life, more packed with lies, and deceit.

I would start my youth school year with defying, the teachers. And defying school rules, common sense and what was in reality the law. I started peeking girl’s showers, when I was, 13. I would peak in showers as often as I could, or when I wanted it. Thinking back at the insolents now, I feel great shame with my behavior and I feel sorry for the girls that I would peek at. It is not kind to peak at girls like that and it is not anything anyone would ever recommit with what is commonsense. It is not kind or common sense.  It is cruel and abusive.  I was caught some times by the girls, and they got quite upset. I remember that the teacher also told me to stop peeking at the showers, which I would defy. During my years growing up in this here small community in rural Norway, I developed a habit of peeking at the girls for 3 years. When I was 13, 14, and 15 year old.

In 1994 internet came to our school. I was 14 then. I very soon discovered, that internet was full of porno, and that internet was full of porn that I could watch all the time, and I could also masturbate to it. We got internet in our home when I was, 15 or 16. Later when I was 16 and 17 I developed a relationship to porno that was really unhealthy. I would search for porn that was the dirtiest porno walkable. And between age 16 and 17 I was addicted to hard core porno. I would sneak around the house where I lived and watched porno every time I could. I considered, it my right to watch porno when I could. It was a bad addiction. Really horrible. I realize now that it is not easy for the girls to be peaked at in school shows at all, and that the type of exposure, is unsacred and totally abusive. I have felt shamed for it later. I feel awful for it today. I feel like I own the girls a huge apology. And I see the values in me sharing this here experience. I realize how important it is for these stories to come out. I realize how crucial and devastating the cover-ups, and corruption, and abuse related to this, is that it have no real bottom or ending if one lets this here go on.  I realize that the abuse that is caused from school peeking in school showers is gigantic. I realize that these, stories, must come out. And that these stories should be told if not the abuse will go on unharmed, unfelt with, and death, crime, rapes, abuse, etc., and the tolerance from this will never end.

So I stared to develop, porn addiction, from 16 tile 17 or older I watched hard core porno every day, I would find as much and as bad porno that I could find. So I start my adulthood with a strong addiction to porno. So I realize that my porno addiction was relay bad. I realize that to ease the shame and regret. I would use the suppression, of drugs, legal and illegal. And alcohol, a lot of alcohol.  My relationship to drugs and alcohol grew big and it almost killed me.

I remember that I would tell jokes about it and tell my drunken buddies, about it later and during my years of alcohol and drug abuse. I would brag about this later, when I was, drinking, or taking drugs. I remember that after all this would feel awful and I would feel horrible for suppression memories by tanking drugs and also drinking alcohol.

I remember that I was committed to mental hospital almost 100 times. And not one was my porno addiction mentioned, with what was concerning therapy, understanding or recovery. Instead I was drugged, and putt under force for taking drugs for many years. Not one was my addiction to masturbation and porno mentioned in relationship to my therapy, or recovery.

I forgive myself for not having accepted or allowed myself to realize or understand that for peeking at school shower, and at home and for later in life, develop addiction to porno and internet porno that literally almost killed me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for when I was in youth school I would start searching form porn pictures and porn videos, online and grow an addiction to porn.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to defy my parent’s messages, and for not refusing to follow the messages, and continue with my porn addiction nonstop.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not wanting to listen, to, my parents, and for not wanting to follow their rules, since my addiction was already so huge.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself because of the girls that I peeked at in the shower, that I embaraced from peeking at them and making them shy and embraced.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, the hurt I caused with peeking in school showers and the girls that got hurt from my behavior them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not considering the rules from the teachers and my parents, to, not look at internet porno and to not look at porno online.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself or defying my parents systematically, when it came to tolerance and my relationship to porno.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not following the rules my parents gave me, to not watch porno.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the people in the porn movies, the filming crew and the publishers that worked with porn and with sharing porn online.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for letting my habit of porn grow out of all kind of proportions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that all porno is abusive.

I forgive myself, for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the addiction of porno is not that serious as other addictions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the doctors where wrong, and that they should have treated me with attention to my porn addiction.

I forgive myself for having accepted and  allowed myself for suppression my addiction to porno with drugs , illegal and legal and for believing that my addiction would disappear  if I only  took enough drugs.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for letting bot my porn addiction and my drug addiction grow so big that I almost killed me.

I forgive myself or having accepted and allowed myself to be so blinded by addiction that I did not see reality tile before after I met desteni.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not taking my addiction to porn with seniority and consideration.

I forgive myself for having accepted  and allowed myself for not being able to link my porn  addiction to school peeking when I was I youth school and I would peak at the girls shower  youth school.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for school peeking and porn addiction is related to, each other and I realize that instead of dealing with them separately I could deal with them collectively.

I forgive myself for that I have not been able to realize, that shower peeking and porn addiction is related, to each other.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for letting my desire of wanting to see the nude female body, grow into a huge addiction and years of abuse.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for letting my desire to exploring the female body with my eyes, lead to the abusive relationship of porn that it ended up in massive drug abuse

 And almost death.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for letting my fantasies take charge over me and create a false impression that it was ok with porno.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for letting my addiction to porno take complete charge of my life and that my life was filled with abuse and discust.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for locking inside me and suppressing with drugs both legal and illegal and alcohol for years.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for suppressing my addiction to porno with addiction to drugs, both legal and illegal, for many years.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for letting my combined abuse of drugs both legal and illegal alcohol and porno addiction drive me completely insane so it almost killed me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for  teachers words about school peeking, lead to porn addiction and drug abuse that lasted for years.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize or understand until now, that my start of peeking at school showers lead to the porn addiction and drug addiction that almost killed me.

When and as I see myself growing stubborn or that I am growing depression, from my memories of my porn addiction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I let addiction grow on me just because they are addictions, I would drown inn shame and regret. I commit myself to realize that addictions are a serious matter, and that, addictions, can do very much harm.

When and as I see myself wanting to separate my addiction of peeking school showers, and the addiction to porno. I stop and I breathe. I realize that addiction to peeking school showers and addiction to porno is related with the desire to watch the female body, and to see the exploitation of the female body. I commit myself to the understanding of porn addiction and to the work with and about porn addiction.

When and as I see myself wanting to, separate the addiction of school shower peeking and the porn addiction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that separation is only fear, and to try to separate them two stories is only but creating fear, with me. I commit myself to stay clear with the awareness that porn addiction and addiction to the abuse of the female body is real.

When and as I see myself pushing myself to reach something that I am not and try to convince the mind about what I want to become. I stop and I breathe. I realize that the mind is but deceit, so I can still try change and evolve to become what I would like to become in my own tempo.

When and as I see myself not trusting myself enough and growing tensions that are negative. I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I let tensions grow on me then I will end up with a negative character that I would have to deal with and that self-trust must be. I commit myself to practice self trust and to do steady breathing and writings every day I can.

When and as I see myself going back in time and creating fantasies about the time, I was abusing myself and I catch myself romatasising or making up ideas that it is ok wit porno and to abuse women. I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I keep going back and creating ideas, about that time I was addicted to porno, I would end up with separation and I would create fear, and possibly become lost in myself with fear. I commit myself to the realize that if I let myself go back in time and remembering the time I was abusive towards life and  that there is a chance that I might end up with self-pity and that is also abusive.